The heading kind of gives away what this post is about. On 27 December we got married. Finally after almost 6 years Hannes and I finally tied the knot. Our wedding was perfect and just what I wanted, simple and elegant.
The day before the wedding I kind of lost my shit and it was kind of Hannes fault but not really. I asked him a week before to fetch mattresses from my friend so that we can have enough beds for the family to sleep on. He should have fetched it before they arrived on the 25th, but on the 26th I was running around like a crazy person still trying to have it collected, so I lost my shit and took my little car and after 2 trips I was home with mattresses. I had so much I wanted and needed to do that day but I think Hannes was a little stress because he wanted to go out with his family and to do that, he needed the car. BUT I needed the car so it was a big argument. It wasn’t really about the car, but more that I needed his help and support on the day and I did not have it. I had my day planned for weeks and with 2 words he changed the plan and I lost it.
I suffer from anxiety and have self-caused OCD (I say that because according to my psychiatrist I developed OCD to cope with my anxiety to keep it in check) adding to that we had a house full of people and I was not ready for having so many people. I figured I was ready but when they arrived I realised that my mind was not really ready. We live in a 2 bedroom little house. Picture this for a minute: Our bedroom is huge so I had it planned that Hannes’s mother would sleep in our room with his brother Sias and his girlfriend in there with her. In the kids room will be Riaan, his girlfriend, her daughter, his mother in law and a family friend Jaco. For the first 2 nights it will be my family of 4 and his other brother also a family of 4 in my lounge. So even if I prepared for this I realised that my anxiety could not handle it.
With so many people in my house I slowly started to have a panic attack. How do I deal with this, I complete the things on my planned list to help me calm down. I had things on my to do list for the day and I attempted to complete them before I left for my grans to spent the night there. Both my mother and bestie kept telling me to calm down and just leave things and the more they did that, I could feel my panic attack building and building. If I had listened to them I would be curled into a little ball freaking the fuck out and not being able to function for 2 to 3 days. Imagine how that would have fucked up my wedding. So I ended up telling both my mother and best friend/maid of honour to shut up and to stop telling me to calm down, just leave me be and let me do what I need to do.
That’s something even the people in my life don’t get about me and it’s my fault because I don’t talk to them about what I am going through because I feel it makes me weak and I’m too much of a control freak to let anyone in and/or to help me.
Family and friends I need you to understand this about me. I suffer from anxiety. There is no cure, but I need to take meds to manage it. I was missed diagnosed with ADHD as a child and that fucked up my life. I have developed OCD because of my anxiety. This means that to cope with my anxiety I need to do certain things to calm me down. I make lists of things I need to do and by trying to help with it and telling me that I’m being silly and those things are not important and that I need to learn to let go, does not help! It makes things worse. The best thing for me is to get out of the way and leave me to do what I need to do and then I will be calm and relaxed.
I am a control freak because of this, not I cannot just relax and just do things on the fly, and I need to plan. I need to plan a day trip and have everything I might need with me to be able to enjoy the day. Stupid example, we head out for the day and one of the kids bump there toe and I don’t have plasters with me. It ruins my day because if I got to plan, I would be able to handle the situation and be in control. It sounds silly to even me, but I need you to understand this to understand me.
In the last week I had a conversation with someone and for the life of me I cannot remember who, but basically I explained to her that I need an A, B,C and D plan to be able to enjoy and let go. If I prepared for almost everything that we might possibly need on a day trip or for any accidents that might happen, I can relax and enjoy myself because I know if anything happens I am prepared for it.
Think about this next time you tell me to live a little, life is short and that I need to calm down.
Do you suffer from anxiety? How do you handle it and how do those closest to you treat it?
PS: This is not the post I intended to write, but it needed to be said. Ill share my wedding day story with you next time.