when you write and dont know what to call it.

Tonight wasn’t a good night at my house, its not what this post is about but its how I got to this point.

I have written a couple of posts about my father and his family. About how angry I am at him. How I can’t understand that he just gave me up and couldn’t care. How my gran, a women with many kids can’t just be ok with it.

Over the last year I was angry. Not just at them, but at myself as well.

You know the feeling of having so much to say and instead of getting it out you just keep it in and cry yourself to sleep? That’s me.

It took me a year to figure out who I am, what I want and that I’m not willing to change for anyone. It took me a year to pick myself of the ground after 5 years of bad relationships, of being treated like crap and not truly loved. It took me a year to realise that I deserve to be happy.

In the last year I realised a couple of things, things I’m not willing to give up for anyone ever again, but the point its not the point of this post.

This post is for my family – the family I never had growing up.

This post is for the man who is suppose to be my dad. The man that should have raised me. The man that should have been my Hero growing up.

Alfie.

I will never truly understand why you gave me up and I’m not going to say that it doesn’t hurt like hell everyday. But watching you with Alton and Andrea made me realise that you did what you needed to do. For you that was the right choice. You love your kids. You adore them. You will do anything for them. I look at you with them and I wish that was me, but we cannot change the past we can only move forward.

I forgive you, for not raising me, for not being there to see my first steps and not being there when I went to my first high school dance. It took me 15 years to get to this point, to the point of being able to truly say I forgive you and I’m ready to become apart of your family (that’s if you’ll have me).

I can’t end this with I love you just yet, but I hope someday soon I’ll actually be able to feel like your daughter.

xx

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