What I am not feeling

I feel dead.

I remember this feeling as I have had it before.

The last time I felt his way was the last time I was on the injection just over 18 months ago. I figured it is because of the horrible relationship I was in and gave or should I say got the shot again. I’m now on my second shot and I feel that way again.

I cannot go on the 3 month injection as it makes me so hormonal that I cannot think eat or talk as I am constantly in tears and it just feels like life is spinning out of control. Besides all of that my red train never leaves so I feel those are 2 valid reasons to never ever try that again.

This time the 2 month injection is doing the same thing as the last time. It feels like it is killing me. I feel nothing. I had my heart-broken not so long ago, I should be sad and depressed, but I’m not. We still friends and that does not even upset me. I’m not happy, I’m not sad and don’t even think what I am currently doing can be called living.

I spend most of my energy at working trying to function and just get by in the day and he balance of that gets used in the 2 hours that I am home with the girls, trying to keep their life’s as normal as possible.

It feels like there is a bubble around me and my life is on the other side of that bubble. I see my friends and family around me caring and loving me, trying to be there for me and loving the fact I look so calm and happy and they just don’t get that I feel nothing. Besides HQ I haven’t told anyone this, not that I told him exactly how I feel just that he noticed I am not myself.

I eat because I know I have to not because I am hungry. The injection has made me pick up some weight so I am thankful for that.

I go to bed earlier but I don’t sleep well and have nightmares. I wake up and try to cry just to get it all out of my system, but nothing.

For the last month I have really tried to hide how I feel, by being active and socializing and just smiling and pretending to be happy. But now it’s all catching up to me and I cannot handle it at all.

It is driving me crazy.

This morning I sat on the train and my brain just went off its rocket, everything around me felt like it was moving in slow motion even me, my mind was spinning the information that came flooding in was way too much for me to handle. I felt like holding my head and just screaming it caused such a migraine, but I didn’t as I was on a train filled with people and that just would have been weird.

So I’m not really sure what the point of this post is and why I am even writing it, but I am hoping to get it off my chest and maybe feel better.

I’m on my second injection now, got it 2 weeks ago so have weeks left before it is out of my system. But I am not getting it again.

So 6 weeks of death still to deal with.

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11 thoughts on “What I am not feeling

  1. I’m so sorry Charlotte! I wish I could reach out and hug you, but I’m sure that would hurt too! So here {{{{HUGS}}}}!! What is the medication for that you are getting injected? I know a small amount of how you are feeling and it sucks. I do not blame you for not wanting to feel that way for so long!
    Thinking of you!!

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  2. Oh Hell..the injection is the worst move I have ever made!!!!!!!! I had mine done shortly after Ninchuck was born on the premise that i DIDNT want to see the red ferarri for a long time….I had it every single day for flippen three months, on top of that I was off my head!!! Im still searching for the perfect contraception…the pill makes me loopy, the injection down too…i dont know if we have the implant here but I would try it if we do!

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  3. Oh I feel so sorry for you, I am sure you do not need the hormonal interference too. The injcections (all of them) are the worst move ever. They are horrid. I have settled on Yaz, low level pill. Works for me

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  4. I must admit that I have no serious side effects from the injection, but I know MANY people who do! Ag sorry you feeling so out of sorts! What about the Mirena?

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  5. Reading my blog and not commenting is like coming into my house drinking my coffee, eating my biscuits and not saying ‘thank you’.

    Not proper behaviour.

    There are my words again lol

    I have never been on the injection.

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  6. I was on the injection for about 6 months yonks ago…I went completely mental! plus I picked up 20kg that I have just never been able to shake off completely. About a year after the last shot the shit was finally out of my system. How could I tell? Well, I couldn’t – I actually thought I was dying when i suddenly had a non stop period of 6 weeks, but the gynie clued me in.

    Don’t take it again. It’s rubbish!

    I had a loop fitted which worked really well, but i’m not sure if that would work as well after children? I will never take anything that mucks about with my hormones again.

    Ps! You know there is this clever little thing made of rubber that goes on the man bits which have no ill effects on the lady’s health either. 😉

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