I feel dead.
I remember this feeling as I have had it before.
The last time I felt his way was the last time I was on the injection just over 18 months ago. I figured it is because of the horrible relationship I was in and gave or should I say got the shot again. I’m now on my second shot and I feel that way again.
I cannot go on the 3 month injection as it makes me so hormonal that I cannot think eat or talk as I am constantly in tears and it just feels like life is spinning out of control. Besides all of that my red train never leaves so I feel those are 2 valid reasons to never ever try that again.
This time the 2 month injection is doing the same thing as the last time. It feels like it is killing me. I feel nothing. I had my heart-broken not so long ago, I should be sad and depressed, but I’m not. We still friends and that does not even upset me. I’m not happy, I’m not sad and don’t even think what I am currently doing can be called living.
I spend most of my energy at working trying to function and just get by in the day and he balance of that gets used in the 2 hours that I am home with the girls, trying to keep their life’s as normal as possible.
It feels like there is a bubble around me and my life is on the other side of that bubble. I see my friends and family around me caring and loving me, trying to be there for me and loving the fact I look so calm and happy and they just don’t get that I feel nothing. Besides HQ I haven’t told anyone this, not that I told him exactly how I feel just that he noticed I am not myself.
I eat because I know I have to not because I am hungry. The injection has made me pick up some weight so I am thankful for that.
I go to bed earlier but I don’t sleep well and have nightmares. I wake up and try to cry just to get it all out of my system, but nothing.
For the last month I have really tried to hide how I feel, by being active and socializing and just smiling and pretending to be happy. But now it’s all catching up to me and I cannot handle it at all.
It is driving me crazy.
This morning I sat on the train and my brain just went off its rocket, everything around me felt like it was moving in slow motion even me, my mind was spinning the information that came flooding in was way too much for me to handle. I felt like holding my head and just screaming it caused such a migraine, but I didn’t as I was on a train filled with people and that just would have been weird.
So I’m not really sure what the point of this post is and why I am even writing it, but I am hoping to get it off my chest and maybe feel better.
I’m on my second injection now, got it 2 weeks ago so have weeks left before it is out of my system. But I am not getting it again.
So 6 weeks of death still to deal with.