When Amandalynn was little she had flash cards and all the educational toys you can think of.
I use to read a story to her every night and ever Saturday day morning she would wake me with her flash cards because she wanted to learn.
We sat for hours learning and playing. I don’t know if I enjoyed it more than she did, but it was great times. I miss those moments.
She never brings me books to read to her anymore, I’m fully to blame for this as life got hectic an emotionally I was not equipped to be a good mother in the last year.
I love my children but the last year my love was limited. I was/am broken, beaten up from the inside, raw.
I’m guilty of pushing my children away and giving just enough love the get ME through another day.
I don’t want to be that mom; I don’t want to be the mother whose children refer to her a good caregiver and not a loving mother.
I want to change it, I want to go back and be the mother I have always dreamed of being.
I cannot change the past but I can change OUR future.
In the last month I have let the small things go, I have spent more time with my children. I feel more open to loving them now (Please do not judge me on this and see it as I did not love my children before, as I love them with all my heart. Like I said, I was/am broken and being in that state makes it hard to truly love anything)
Last night when I go tin the shower with the girls, Amandalynn started whit her silly, loud singing. My first reaction was to tell her to stop and I was instantly annoyed. I bit my tongue and tried to encourage her to involve her sister. They had so much fun together singing and dancing in the shower, I felt happy to see them that way.
I get annoyed easily, but I will no longer allow it to affect my relationship with my children.
I WILL be the loving kind of mother that they deserve.
Later the evening while having my siggy outside, Lorelai came running out with a book and started to hop up and down because she wanted me to read it to her.
<Take note she is not the kind of child that will sit still and allow you to read to her, she will close the book and open it and you never have enough time to see the words in the book>
I killed my siggy, got up and went inside with her to go and sit on the couch to read to my little girl, something I have not really done in the last 3-4 months. She climbed onto my lap and we started to read, she pointed to all the character sin the book and they all even got kisses. I warmed my hearty to see my baby enjoying this so much.
Half way into the story Amandalynn came to join us. I’m thinking please don’t ask me to start all over again because I do not have the energy. She did not. She sat there enjoying the fact that her mommy was reading to them again.
As we got to the last page, my heart started to race as I knew Amandalynn would want to her it again and Lorelai will have a tantrum before she allows me pack the book away.
I finished the story, Lorelai had a major tantrum and instead of ignoring her I asked her if she wanted to hear it again. She started to hop again (in Lorelai language that means yes) I started to read to my kids again. This time I did voice and asked question and I actually started to enjoy it again. I was involved in the story instead of just reading to them.
This time when the story ended my children were happy with packing the book away and saying good night to the family.
No fuss, no crying just happiness.
I’m happier now and my children can feel it and see it.
Last night I vowed to read to my children more often.
* This was originally posted on Scaredmom's Blog