Diary entry 3 April 2012:
I have been thinking about starting a second blog to be able to post all those things that I do not really want people to see but I have to get it off my chest. I scrapped that idea as I do not post nearly enough on the blog I already have. So I apologies for password protecting these post, if I gave you the password, I know you are the kind of person to understand.
Comments are not needed, but if you want to comment do so. I just need to deal with my emotions get it out and live my life.
I am making changes to my life and making decisions that I know I should have actually made a long time ago. I will one day make these post public, but my excuse for not doing it now is my pending maintenance battle.
My relationship is over!
It has actually been over for a while, but I worked damn hard just to pack up and give up. But it is now over. Hannes and I are over.
I do love him, but we have tried to make this relationship work and good for 3 years and it’s not working, it’s not great, but just okay and I have realised that even though I love him I am not happy and excited to go home to him (I do not hate the idea) but I dont get butterflies or excited or even miss him!
It feels great being this honest!
I haven’t told him that it is over. I think he knows. No don’t say it’s because I don’t want it to be over, because I do. I am just using the situation to make my life easier while I sort shit out with myself.
<you’ll understand the more I post about it>
I am in no rush for him to move out, I am not sad or heart-broken. He helps clean and with the kids and everything else. My children are happy with daddy around and as long as he wants to stay he can – or until I want him to leave and I will then give him notice to leave.
He fights and I just nod, but im done. I have done all I can for this relationship, I have given up so much that I have lost (not that I was really that sure of who I am/was, im 25! What do you really know at that age) who I am! What I want out of life.
I haven’t even forced the subject of him packing up and moving out. When he argues with me he will throw it out there, I only respond by saying if that is how you feel do it. He then says I will and that’s that.
From today my journey for happiness starts! Today I start doing the things I love and what makes me stronger!
Today I will learn to find happiness in myself again.