Update on Pre-School Teacher advise – Shit has hit the fan…

When I got to the school it was only me and the teacher, the principal will apparently get involved if we cannot sort things out. My first reaction (in my head) we are not fighting like children over toys!!! But I left it did my calming breathing and went into the class room.

All hell broke loose as I asked her if my child is a problem in her class and she kept talking about the letter I wrote and how unhappy she is about it. After about 5 min of her unhappiness (who really gives a F**K if you happy or not) I tried to get a word in as I was not longer listening to her ranting (yes my bad) and she started screaming t me!!! SCREAMING and speaking to me like I’m the child in her class, a couple of times I asked her please calm down and answer my question “is my child a problem” and she kept ranting so I completely lost it and told her to shut the hell up. Needless to say that did not shock her enough to stop for breath. Again I told her if she does not stop right now I will leave this room and go speak to the principal as she is clearly not capable. I am not one of the children in her class, I am the parent and she will treat me with respect or not at all.

She calmed down. She answered my question (with a hell of a lot of attitude) “Your child is the biggest problem”

I asked her to give me examples of how. She said that Amandalynn doe snot listen or does as she is told.

I speak to her teacher at least once a week and I ask her about Amandalynn and how her manners are, it is always fine.

I asked her since when is this a problem and her response from the beginning of the year but it has gotten worse in the last 2-3 months. I freaked!!! I asked her why she has not contacted me or said anything (this part just grates my balls) “she tried to handle the situation”.

Things calmed down a bit and we started talking about her work and that I’m worried about how it has gone from good to bad and then the most horrible thing happen, she took out some of her work. My child draws black faces for the last 2 months on all girls’ faces. Boys are normal and happy but little and big girls are black. The teacher asked her about it yesterday and she said that the little girls are her sister because she hurts her. I am aware of the fact that Lorelai (age 1) hits her sister, but in the beginning I sorted out Lorelai and that did not work so I told Amandalynn to sort her out or I remove Lorelai from the situation. What more can I do?

The big girl one of my big concern, her name is Carla and she lives with her grandmother Nora and goes to school on the farm. We don’t know a Carla any of us.

The teacher will now be a bit softer with my child as it is clear that there is bigger issues her than just behavior.

Just a bit of background: Nora is Amandalynn’s fathers mother, they don’t see her anymore as they could not give a flying F about her. Her father does not even try and her Nora only speaks to her when I call on Amandalynn’s request and on Christmas and her birthday. Lorelai’s father and I split 3 months ago and the girls and I moved back to my parents, Lorelai goes to her dad 2 times a week and Amandalynn has the option of going if she wants to, she never wants to go because I’m not going.

I’m lost for words; I don’t know what to do about all of this. For the first time I can really say that I’m fucking stuck. I have tried to do everything to make things easy for Amandalynn all the changes and everything else. But clearly what I was thinking is good was not.

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20 thoughts on “Update on Pre-School Teacher advise – Shit has hit the fan…

  1. Again the moomie moms where awesome!!!

    From:charnenay
    Oh Charlotte………… I am so sorry to hear this. Amandalynn is clearly going through a very rough patch emotionally and the fact that the teacher did not bring her drawings and behaviour to your attention is completely shocking (but that issue obviously needs to take a back seat for now).

    I don’t have any clever advise for you – really hoping that some of the others here will. Just want to say that I feel for you and really, really hope that Amandalynn is able to work through her issues and that she does not carry these feelings with her into her adulthood.

    I am no expert, but it does sound as if maybe she resents Lorelai for having a present father when she doesn’t

    I know this is obviously very hard on you as well, so big hugs xxxxxxx

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    • Thank you Charnenay. I just dont knwo what to do anymore, I have spoken to Hannes and he will take Amandalynn with him at this stage, she doe snot have an option anymore, I dont know if this will help but at least I know he is a good parent and he loves her as his own, I’m just scared that when she gets older that he might get tired of her. but maybe i should worry about that then.

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      • From: charnenay
        Charlotte – you can tell me to sod off and mind my own business if you like (I am honestly perfectly ok with that).

        But, I just want to say that maybe that is not the best thing for Amandalynn right now?? She knows he is not her “real” father and since the 2 of you are not together anymore, that might confuse her even more. If he is honestly commited to being in her life forever, then it could be a good thing. But if, like you say, he gets tired of her when she gets older, then I am afraid this might cause more harm than good in the long run.

        I seem to remember from one of your posts on your blog that your biological father was also not a part of your life really and that you felt he abandoned you?? That could be what Amandalynn is feeling. Remember that children sometimes read much more into things than we realise, so your break-up with Hannes could actually have affected her in a way where she feels that he has also abandoned her.

        I don’t know Amandalynn, I don’t know Hannes…. but from where I stand, sending her with him and not giving her a choice, does not seem like the best idea right now.

        I would maybe have him spend more time with her because it might seem as if Lorelai gets to go with him, etc. and she doesn’t , so she probably feels abandoned. But, I would let it be her choice if she goes with him or not.

        Bottomline, try not to make any drastic decisions right away. Only you know whats best for your daughter, so give it some thought first once you have had time to absorb what you have seen and heard.

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      • Charne – I will never tell you to SOD off, i asked for advise, opnions because I’m lost and I dont know what to do anymore. I dont know how to fix it and I feel like I failed my child in the most horrible way ever. I thank you for actually caring enough to give your opinion. I believe she is feeling abandoned, the only thing i can think of it a change in behaviour for now, I think most of my fears are because of me and the issues i have and that is why im scared. In my heart i know he will always be there for her, he has even offered to adopt her, even still after we broke up. Im sending her tonight – she does not have a choice in that and on saturday – so that she can just see she is loved no matter what, i think from there she can make her own desisions. I have an apointment with an ocupantional therapist tonight for advise on how to handle this and what to do.

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  2. From: julzdylan
    Shame Charlotte. You could actually give childline a call. They may have some child therapists that could take a look at the drawings.

    It is clear that you as a family have been through alot of late so it would be more worrying if your kids didn’t show any sign of struggle.

    These reactions are normal, but you may need the correct tools to deal with it.

    Is the school aware of the changes. It is very important to inform your school of any changes in the childs life. This includes mommy being sick, daddy on a business trip for a couple days etc. They need to know these things.

    x

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    • Julz – I told the principal about the changes, told him to keep an eye, he said he will convey the message to the teacher, he clearly did not as last night was the first time she heard of this. So she will be keeping an eye.

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  3. From: Memo
    O Charlotte! Sorry. Such a difficult situation. i have no advise, but I do hope things get better. Good luck and lots of love

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    • From: Memo
      I dont really want to comment anymore because my dad also broke my heart. But I will say this, even though I could tell my father did not like me and was not proud of me, etc.. I did feel that he loved me. (I was also kinda forced to spend time with him, whereas my brother and him where TIGHT/besties) From a young age I got that there was a difference between like and love. It’s not ideal, but whatever it was, I am not someone with extreme ‘daddy issues’ and I dont seek approval from men.
      hope this translates to something you can use.
      xx

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  4. From Juno
    Oh Charlotte I’m so sorry to hear this. Glad to read that you’re seeing somebody tonight already..

    I can’t say this entire situation reflects very well on the school she is at. Yes the principal didn’t tell the teacher but by the same token I’m pretty sure she must be trained to know when “bad” behaviour is more than just plain naughtiness? 2-3 months is a long time and AmandaLynn could have already gotten the help she needed in this time. Negligence if you ask me and I hope you make them aware of how serious this actually has turned out to be. Quite clear that the teachers reaction was out of pure guilt.

    As far as AmandaLynn is concerned that’s a really difficult one and in my uneducated opinion about such matters is surely going to require the intervention of a child therapist. Important that she starts equipping herself with the tools to handle her given circumstances from an early age and which you cannot see as any fault of your own…

    Those are pretty hectic abandonment issues she has to deal with. First her biological father, then Hannes and now Lorelai. And I think the “hurt” that she was talking about as to why she drew girls the way she did is more than the physical hurt. It can’t be easy to see her sister go off to the father who also used to be hers. I can completely understand why you want her to go to him and if you are confident that it’s going to do good both in the short and long term is a good way of partially dealing with the father abandonment issue. And by the way I think it’s amazing that Hannes wanted to adopt her even after you guys split..

    Don’t know what you’re going to do about Lorelai – I know this has been going on for quite a while but it is fixable and that together with the resumption of her relationship with her father (Hannes) could put an end to those drawings.

    You didn’t explain who Carla was? As you say none of you know who she is I’m guessing she’s imaginary?

    Let us know how tonight went and hang in there. You’ve got through so much already you’ll get through this too.

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  5. So I took RM advise and bribed me daughter with Mcdonalds (yes bad mommy move) at first she did not want to go , but when I told her that they will be having Mcd’s for supper she had her bag packed and out the door before I could even rethink my decision. She had a ball of a time and when she got home last night 19:30 she watched a bit of tv, we talked and she was off to bed at 8 without a peep (she usually cries over this) this morning I had a happy child, she was laughing and did not argue about anything. Also she told me this morning she is going on saturday because she has a puzzle she wants him to help her with. I hope this works. Having another meeting with her teacher on monday just to see if this helps and improves her behaviour.

    Last night I sat and read everything all the comments again and I was crying! I feel lie a horrible mother for not noticing this earlier and thinking that the crying is a fase and not realising that this situation had a bigger effect on my daughter.

    I could not go and see the terapist last night as she had to work late, but will be seeing her before the end of the week. I realsie that I cannot handle this situation on my own and will need help from outside. Currently I want to hug all the moomie moms as you all have helped me feel a bit better and having so many different opinions on this helps me see the bigger picture. I know the problems are not over, but with time I really really hope my child will get a bit better.

    I dont want her to have all the issues I have and I know I can only do so much to help prevent it but hell I will try.

    I heart moomie moms

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  6. From Sexyhexy:
    Hi Charlotte

    I just wanted to say that just know you are on the right track. You are not alone in this, the love and support us ladies get here on Moomie is just beyond words.

    And even though this might not mean something to you at this stage, you are not a bad mother. I went through something somewhat similiar two weeks ago, and I know that the first thing that came to my mind was “I’m such a bad mom”. But taling to Julz (thanks Julz) and other people made me realise that I’m a damn good mom. And you seeking help just proves that too.

    I realised just how much we expect from our children, that when we as parents go through situations in life, we think that our children don’t. But they do, they experience every up and down with us.

    Just know that in time, and with all the help and support, it is going to get better. ***hugs***

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  7. Everytime one of you comment and i read it I start crying all over again. Thank you for the love and support.

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  8. From Charne:
    Glad that she went with Hannes and had a good time Great idea that she has something to look forward to, like the puzzle. I think she just needs to realise that he “wants” her there as well. She is still very young, so with a bit of help now to work through her feelings, I’m sure she will be just fine.

    And, you are a great mom for taking action and not ignoring the situation. Sadly, these things go unnoticed in many children and that’s when it becomes a problem later in life.

    Hope you feeling a bit better today.

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  9. Hi C

    I hope you don’t mind me getting involved here, if I may? Have you thought about taking her to a child psychologist or a play therapist? It def seems as if there are other issues at play here, something far deeper is going on, your little girl seems troubled by something and perhaps it would be best to get some professional advice and assistance in how to manage her behavior and also how to help her overcome whatever it is that is worrying her.
    It has been my own personal experience, that sometimes teachers do more damage than good! I have a horror story of my own from when I was 7 years old, but that’s a story for another time.
    All the best with whatever you choose to do here.

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  10. Sharon I really dont mind, all advise, sugesstions are welcome, i cannot handle this situation on my own so Ill take what i can get, just so happy nothing have been negative.

    I will be seeing a occupatinal terapist next week hopefully she will advise me on how to handle and who to take amandalynn to.

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  11. Charlotte – just remember one thing, you are the best mother that you can be. You are doing a fantastic job, your girls love you and are happy.

    There are changes going on in your life right now, so you should expect some “behaviour” coming through – its only normal.

    Keep strong and I know that everything will work out!

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    • Louisa – I know I will, its going better with her already, just alot of patience and hard work.

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