I cannot remember the last time I was truly happy. That feeling of fullness, the feeling that if this is my life and if it has to end I know it is okay.
To be honest I don’t think I have ever felt that way. I’ve had moments of happiness but as I sit here writing I cannot write one down without adding a negative.
My children make me happy, they really do, when they smile at me and play together and laugh or even say mommy, but then I realise that even if they are happy I am not. The feeling of emptiness, the feeling of something is still missing is always there. I know that the hole I have inside I can only fix, but how?
There are things I want/need to be able to look at my life and go “this is it, this is what makes me feel content, complete, truly happy”
As I sit here I wish I could just snap my finger s and know what those things are, but I don’t. I can list a million things but who knows if they will make me happy.
<Shit I am negative today>
I know I need to be grateful for health, for my family, friends and children who love me, but it’s not enough to fill me up, it is not enough to be happy.
Because I broken. So many things in my life have contributed to me being broken; At least I know what the core of those issues is: MY FATHER
Ever since I was little something in my life was not right, I had 2 parents and siblings but something made me not fit, I felt like an outsider. I blamed my dad (stepfather) because I was sure it is him (note this is before I knew he was my step father) he had part in it, but until the day I found out the truth it all made sense.
My father (biological that it) he broke me, before I was even old enough to be broken, he broke me. He threw me away like a used piece of shit never to be looked back on again. My entire childhood I spent hating him and some days even my mother for allowing him to get rid of me. I know there is nothing she could have done to prevent it but I did not know it then.
How do you just give up your child? How do you feel so little for something you had part in creating? How do you feel nothing for your child? Someone that will always be apart of you?
I met my father just before my 21st birthday; I was looking for answers, the truth maybe even a relationship with the man, hoping that maybe meeting him will help mend my brokenness. I sat there listening to him, telling me that everything I was told is true, that he was not ready for a child, he just got a new house and he wanted to travel. But he did think of me every year on my birthday. I remember thinking “you fucking bastard 20 years you only thought of me on my birthday, how you dare tell me it was best for you at the time! What about me” I never said it, maybe I should have but I never did.
So each time I look at my eldest child my heart breaks all over again. The heart break I feel daily is something she will probably feel when she is older, no matter how much love she gets from me. Her father feels nothing for her and there is nothing I as a mother can do to protect my daughter from this pain. The pain she will feel over something that was not her fault.
So yes I am broken and even kind words and the fact that I know I’m loved doe snot make up for the hurt I have inside.
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