Daddy Issues…

I cannot remember the last time I was truly happy. That feeling of fullness, the feeling that if this is my life and if it has to end I know it is okay.

To be honest I don’t think I have ever felt that way. I’ve had moments of happiness but as I sit here writing I cannot write one down without adding a negative.

My children make me happy, they really do, when they smile at me and play together and laugh or even say mommy, but then I realise that even if they are happy I am not. The feeling of emptiness, the feeling of something is still missing is always there. I know that the hole I have inside I can only fix, but how?

There are things I want/need to be able to look at my life and go “this is it, this is what makes me feel content, complete, truly happy”

As I sit here I wish I could just snap my finger s and know what those things are, but I don’t. I can list a million things but who knows if they will make me happy.

<Shit I am negative today>

I know I need to be grateful for health, for my family, friends and children who love me, but it’s not enough to fill me up, it is not enough to be happy.

Why?

Because I broken. So many things in my life have contributed to me being broken; At least I know what the core of those issues is: MY FATHER

Ever since I was little something in my life was not right, I had 2 parents and siblings but something made me not fit, I felt like an outsider. I blamed my dad (stepfather) because I was sure it is him (note this is before I knew he was my step father) he had part in it, but until the day I found out the truth it all made sense.

My father (biological that it) he broke me, before I was even old enough to be broken, he broke me. He threw me away like a used piece of shit never to be looked back on again. My entire childhood I spent hating him and some days even my mother for allowing him to get rid of me. I know there is nothing she could have done to prevent it but I did not know it then.

How do you just give up your child? How do you feel so little for something you had part in creating? How do you feel nothing for your child? Someone that will always be apart of you?

I met my father just before my 21st birthday; I was looking for answers, the truth maybe even a relationship with the man, hoping that maybe meeting him will help mend my brokenness. I sat there listening to him, telling me that everything I was told is true, that he was not ready for a child, he just got a new house and he wanted to travel. But he did think of me every year on my birthday. I remember thinking “you fucking bastard 20 years you only thought of me on my birthday, how you dare tell me it was best for you at the time! What about me” I never said it, maybe I should have but I never did.

So each time I look at my eldest child my heart breaks all over again. The heart break I feel daily is something she will probably feel when she is older, no matter how much love she gets from me. Her father feels nothing for her and there is nothing I as a mother can do to protect my daughter from this pain. The pain she will feel over something that was not her fault.

So yes I am broken and even kind words and the fact that I know I’m loved doe snot make up for the hurt I have inside.

Untitled

Did you enjoy this post? Do you want more of this? Make sure to subscribe on you right and share with your friends. You can also follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram for shorter versions of what happens in our lives daily, or you can follow to Education series

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “Daddy Issues…

  1. (((hugs)))) Some times the answers we get are the ones that hurt more than not hearing them. Parents can be very very cruel. Can’t believe just how selfish your father was/is.

    Like

    • Thanks Melany. They truly did hurt more. He has 3 other kids and I have met the one, but becuase of my daddy issues I cannot see him again as it hurts way to muhc knowing my father loves and adores him but not me.

      Like

  2. “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
    is God in his holy dwelling” Psalm 68:5
    Al wat ek kan se is daai ” I know that the hole I have inside I can only fix, but how?” kan gefix word… maar jy moet net op die regte plek soek. Life is hard, but God is good.

    Like

  3. The only person you hurt by resenting him is yourself. So he’s not perfect…guess he’s human then. Maybe he doesn’t love you…that’s his loss because he missed out on an entire life of everyday miracles watching you grow up.

    To through a cliche your way – just remember the wheel turns, we don’t always know how fast or where it’s going but karma sorts out everyone exactly as they deserve. Don’t waste another second thinking about him and what you didn’t have – there’s plenty of awesome going around that you can focus on with your little girls.

    Right…uhm… *steps off soap box*

    I don’t mean to make light of your pain, seriously.

    Like

    • Yes Louisa get off that damn soap box and stop telling me things I kind of already know… 🙂

      Most days I live my life as if he never existed, like it does not affect me, I forget about the pain, but those days where I’m sad and depressed and the world hates me, I always think of him and the A grade asshole he is.

      I did this post to get the things off my chest and my daddy issues has a lot to do with my current or lact there of relationship, but that is another post all on its own.

      Like

  4. You can’t be happy all the time. Sometimes embracing the sadness and hurt can free you and lead you into something you never imagined. Brokeness is a blessing, not a curse. It helps you become who you are supposed to be.

    🙂

    Like

    • Renee as always you find your way into my issue and open them wide up with your wisdom, yes i cannot behappy all the time, that would be a bit creepy and I am hoping that posting this and dealing with it will help me become free.

      But hearing that it is a blessing to be broken is a first for me. I will have to turn it into my new motto…

      xoxo

      Like

  5. I am probably going to repeat alot that was said above…

    If your father doesnt love you, then its his loss. He doesnt know you or DESERVE to know you!

    You are a strong and powerful woman and mother. You wouldnt be who you are if he was in your life.

    Stay strong – he doesnt deserve your love and the way you feel about him!

    Like

    • Lauren is okay that your repeat, it just means that some1 else cares. Thank you for the wonderful things you said. HIs entire family has now started to contact me one for 1. It’s weird and I cannot decide if I ike it or not.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s