A week ago I wrote about how I want to be a better parent, how I want to do right by my children, how I want everything in their lives to be better. Tonight I did the most horrible thing and as I sit here watching them in the bath I can feel the tears building up and I’m fighting hard not to let them fall.
Sunday night we rushed Lorelai to the hospital as her fever was over 40 degrees, I called Hannes as she is on his medical aid and he is responsible for all her medical costs. He met me at the hospital and the doctor took her in immediately. they say she has an infection but not really sure what it is, so we waited until her fever was down an they sent us home with antibiotics (I hate antibiotics I think it is a lazy doctors medicine, in some cases it does work and is needed, but doctors are so easy to prescribe a general antibiotic instead of looking for what the actual problem is.) The 3 hours we spent at the hospital was way too much for my system. It’s officially the most time Hannes and I have spent together since the move. After last night I can truly say that I am done, I can say that spending that little bit of time with him, took away any hope that I had of ever having a relationship with him again. don’t get me wrong, I am heart broken I still want to curl up in a little ball and cry, I’m not over him (lets just say the man I fell in love with, not the man he became) but I’m over the relationship.
Tonight he cam to drop off Lorelai’s meds and we got into a argument with about Amandalynn, now Amandalynn is not his child, but he has been her father for the last 2 years and she loves him very much, he gets very annoyed with her and to an extend I do not even blame him because I get annoyed with her also as she is a hanger but it breaks my heart to even catch a hint of it. I got rid of him quickly and from there I was upset and angry at myself mostly for allowing him to be such a big part of my daughters life and I blame myself for her getting hurt in the end.
but then I handled it all wrong… yes people now is the time to pick up the phone, call the social worker and report me.
Amandalynn went to go and sit by the table and did a bit of a sob (not really crying but doing enough to show me she is upset) I asked her what is wrong and she told me that she misses her dad (Hannes as he is the only father she has ever had, that’s now besides my father) snapped I completely lost it I should be taken away for what I did!
I told her the truth for the first time I was tired if being the bad guy, I was tired of being strong. I told her that I’m heart broken that I’m also sad, that I don’t want it to be his way, I told her that I don’t want to be without him and that I love him, but he does not want me, even if he loves her, he does not love me and she goes with me. I told her that I also cry and that I tired of not being able to show emotion and I’m tired of always having to be strong for her. That I also want to be sad but I can’t.
She came and hugged me and told me it okay that she still loves me and that she will always be with me. I cried a bit and then stopped and realised that I just scared my daughter for life and maybe not now, but one day she might hate me for this.
I mean what kind of parent tells her 4 year old child this? I don’t know if she understood me or not maybe I confused her more than she already is. How much more can I fuck this up?
And that’s that…
- Being a better parent… (scaredmom.wordpress.com)
- I did it without screaming (scaredmom.wordpress.com)
- I’m not a perfect mother (scaredmom.wordpress.com)