I have spent the last couple of months/weeks blaming myself for everything that went wrong in my and Hannes’ relationship. Could I not be neater, nicer, took more of care of him, kept his house clean, kept him happy, took care of the children more so he had to do less, be less of me! But I’ve done most of this for the last year and it didn’t change anything but me and I was unhappy, pretending to be happy, trying to make a unhappy man happy and in that way show him that he can love me no matter what.
What a major fucking waste of my time.
I have this Afrikaans children’s book, “Ouerskap is nie kinder speletjies nie, by Arnold Mol”
<Sidebar: He is the father of the fabulous Michael Mol on Top Bling and Expresso>
I’ve read this book twice before but concentrated mostly bout this things that are about children and how to make them better and happier. The first couple of chapters of his book is based on how if the parents are happy, the children will be happy. It made me realise that the things that were wrong in our relationship, I could never truly fix and never truly make him happy.
He talks about self-esteem and it stats that a spouse who criticized and finds fault with their other half constantly will never compliment or say anything good no matter what, wakes up unhappy and moaning about everything and nothing. That person is unhappy with them and most probably has low self-esteem, which will be the cause of the criticising.
Some strange little bell went off and suddenly I felt a tiny little bit free (if that makes any sense) don’t get me wrong I’m not perfect, hell who is? I completely suck at being a housewife and winged it as being a mom – and still winging. I can honestly say I tried! I tried to change the things I’m not good at to be better so that I can make him happy. I wanted him to notice me again, like he did a short 2 years ago (oh hell tears again). The way he would work the morning shift and he could not wait for me to come home, we would sit and talk for hours about everything and nothing. He use to run my bath every night and candles and all. He would wash my back and I will do is. We made each other happy I came naturally it wasn’t all work all the time!!!!
<I just have to add it’s been more than a week since my last tears over this man, it is getting easier to think about it without crying, but it looks like this is now hitting a nerve>
I have now completely lost track of what I wanted to say.
Oh I wanted him to notice me again, to be loving, but no matter what, nothing worked. I realised I was not the problem – yes I had a share in the unhappiness – but I was not the cause. No matter what I did to improve it would not improve our situation as it won’t be good enough. He either had very low self-esteem or he really did not love me.
I don’t know what to believe and what to decide the cause to be. In the end I now know that was not the problem, that I tried and I was not what he wanted and not good enough.
I still trying to change, but the things I feel I should change for me and the children. Things that will make me happy.
PS: Thanks Christelle for your input… feel free to comment. 🙂
And that’s that…
- What does therapist say about children with low self esteem when it comes to sports (wiki.answers.com)